İngilizce Fıkralar – English Jokes, funnies and anecdotes
One day, a man came to Akshehir and wanted to see the Hodja, who was famous as a great joker.
He saw a man leaning on a wall and asked him if he knew where the Hodja was.
This man said that he was busy at the moment leaning against the wall so that it would not fall down, but if the man would do his job he would go and look for the Hodja and call him.
The man said “O.K.” and leaned against the wall. He waited and waited but the other man did not return.
He told some people passing by, of the situation. When he described the man the people began to laugh and said to him:
“Didn’t you believe that the Hodja was a joker? That was the Hodja to whom you spoke.”
An airliner was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax and. . . OH MY GOODNESS!”. . . .
Silence followed. Then after a few seconds, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier, but while I was talking to you, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it in my lap. He chuckled and said, “You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger in coach yelled loudly, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
A Couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly,
“Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
FOR THE WOMEN
A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always
came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
“Take my advice,” said the neighbor, “and do what I did. Once my
husband came home at three o’clock in the morning, and from my
bed, I called out, ‘Is that you, Jim?’ And that cured him.”
“Cured him!” asked the woman, “but how?”
The neighbor said, “You see, his name is Bill.”
THE PATIENT HUSBAND
“Darling,” Jean greeted her husband Jack, “I have something to confess you.”
“Nothing serious I hope,” answered Jack.”
“Since you’re so cool, calm, and collected – I’ll tell you before dinner.”
“Out with it,” said Jack getting a bit uneasy.
“Promise me you won’t be angry.”
“You won’t lose your temper?”
“I had a little mishap with the new car.”
“Is that all?”
“I flooded the engine and it won’t start.”
“That’s not so terrible. I’ll call the autoclub. By the way, where did you flood the engine?”
“At the bottom of Falcon Lake.”
I AM ON A DIET
A yong woman had a date with a circus sword swallower. She had never seen a sword swallower before, so she asked him to perform for her. He began swallowing some pins and needles.
“Those aren’t swords,” said the girl. “They are just pines and needles.”
“I know,” said the sword swallower. “But I’m on a diet.”
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit, so she gets two shot glasses, fills one with water the other with whiskey. She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.
She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies. Sternly the wife remarks, “So what do you have to say about this experiment?”
Coolly, the husband replies, “If I drink whiskey I won’t get worms!”
The Name Of The Restaurant
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What’s the name of the restaurant?”
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion, “Uuhh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?”
His friend replies, “A carnation?”
“No. No. The other one,” the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, “The poppy?”
“Nahhhh,” growls the man. “You know the one that is red and has thorns.”
His friend said, “Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, Yes that’s it. Thank you!” the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells,
“Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Mama needs new clothes!
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive lady arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said,
” I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m nude.”
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
“Mama needs new clothes!” Then she hollered…
“YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
With that she picked up, all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked,
“What did she roll?” The other answered,
“I thought YOU were watching!”
A guy that was paid very well to speak at a local business dinner rushed out the door so fast he forgot to grab his false teeth. Just before it was time for him to be announced, he turned to one of his table guests sadly and said to him –
“I can’t do this, I forgot my false teeth”.
The guy looks at him and says – “sure you can, let me go nearby to my business and get you a pair. When he returns the speaker tried them
“Too loose” he said.
The man reaches again then says, “I have another pair… try these.”
The speaker tried them and responded,
“Too tight.” “Ok!, the guy says, “I have one more pair… try these.”
The speaker said, “They fit perfectly!”
With that, he gave a thundering speech. After the speech, he went back to his table to eat his dinner and to thank the new-found friend that just saved him. “I want to thank you for coming to may aid, said the dinner speaker… Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”
“Dentist? replies the guy… I’m no Dentist… I’m the undertaker!”
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