Kategori arşivi: İngilizce Fıkralar

12 English Jokes

English Jokes  – İngilizce Şakalar

 

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

 

English Jokes  – 1

 

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.  

 

English Jokes  – 2

 

A blonde was taking money out of an ATM.

The blonde behind her in the line said, “Haa! Haa! Haaaaaa! I’ve seen your password. It’s 4 asterisks (****).”

The first blonde replies, “Ha! Ha! Haaa! You are so wrong. It’s 1258.”

English Jokes  – 3

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of 

the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

English Jokes  – 4

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

“Mummy, Mummy, she yelled, “We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde?” the girl asked.

“Yes, It’s because your blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mummy, Mummy,” she yelled, “We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mummy?”

“Yes, It’s because your blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mummy Mummy!” she yelled, “We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!”

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.

“Is it because I’m Blonde, Mummy?”

“No Honey, Its because you’re 24.”

English Jokes  – 5

A fairy told a married couple: “For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish.”

“I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband”, said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic wand and – abracadabra! – two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So… I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.

The fairy made a circle with her magic wand and – abracadabra!

Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

English Jokes  – 6

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can’t sleep in my class.

Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could

English Jokes  – 7

 

Teacher: What is a synonym?

Student: A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other!

English Jokes  – 8

 

Teacher: “I killed a person” convert this sentence into future tense.

Student: The future tense is “u will go to jail”.

 

English Jokes  – 9

 

Teacher: PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with “I”. 

Pappu: I is… 

Teacher: No, PAPPU. Always say, “I am.”

Pappu: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

English Jokes  – 10

 

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 

Jack: A teacher.

 

English Jokes  – 11

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says: “I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.”

The second guy says: “Damn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

 

The third guy says: “Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend.”

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to rest room returned and asked: “What’s going on, what are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”

The fourth man replied: “My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

The three friends said: “What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.”

The fourth man replied: “No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?”

 

İngilizce Fıkralar – English Jokes, funnies and anecdotes

İngilizce Fıkralar – English Jokes, funnies and anecdotes

SEARCHING FOR THE HODJA
One day, a man came to Akshehir and wanted to see the Hodja, who was famous as a great joker.
He saw a man leaning on a wall and asked him if he knew where the Hodja was.
This man said that he was busy at the moment leaning against the wall so that it would not fall down, but if the man would do his job he would go and look for the Hodja and call him.
The man said “O.K.” and leaned against the wall. He waited and waited but the other man did not return.
He told some people passing by, of the situation. When he described the man the people began to laugh and said to him:
“Didn’t you believe that the Hodja was a joker? That was the Hodja to whom you spoke.”

A COMFORTABLE FLIGHT

An airliner was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax and. . . OH MY GOODNESS!”. . . .

Silence followed. Then after a few seconds, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier, but while I was talking to you, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it in my lap. He chuckled and said, “You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in coach yelled loudly, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

A Couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly,
“Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

FOR THE WOMEN

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always
came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

“Take my advice,” said the neighbor, “and do what I did. Once my
husband came home at three o’clock in the morning, and from my
bed, I called out, ‘Is that you, Jim?’ And that cured him.”

“Cured him!” asked the woman, “but how?”

The neighbor said, “You see, his name is Bill.”

THE PATIENT HUSBAND
“Darling,” Jean greeted her husband Jack, “I have something to confess you.”
“Nothing serious I hope,” answered Jack.”
“Since you’re so cool, calm, and collected – I’ll tell you before dinner.”
“Out with it,” said Jack getting a bit uneasy.
“Promise me you won’t be angry.”
“I promise.”
“You won’t lose your temper?”
“No!”
“I had a little mishap with the new car.”
“Is that all?”
“I flooded the engine and it won’t start.”
“That’s not so terrible. I’ll call the autoclub. By the way, where did you flood the engine?”
“At the bottom of Falcon Lake.”

I AM ON A DIET
A yong woman had a date with a circus sword swallower. She had never seen a sword swallower before, so she asked him to perform for her. He began swallowing some pins and needles.

“Those aren’t swords,” said the girl. “They are just pines and needles.”

“I know,” said the sword swallower. “But I’m on a diet.”

The Expriment
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit, so she gets two shot glasses, fills one with water the other with whiskey. She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.

She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies. Sternly the wife remarks, “So what do you have to say about this experiment?”

Coolly, the husband replies, “If I drink whiskey I won’t get worms!”

The Name Of The Restaurant
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said, “What’s the name of the restaurant?”

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion, “Uuhh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?”

His friend replies, “A carnation?”

“No. No. The other one,” the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, “The poppy?”

“Nahhhh,” growls the man. “You know the one that is red and has thorns.”

His friend said, “Do you mean a rose?”

“Yes, Yes that’s it. Thank you!” the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yells,

“Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

Mama needs new clothes!
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive lady arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said,

” I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m nude.”

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

“Mama needs new clothes!” Then she hollered…
“YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
With that she picked up, all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked,

“What did she roll?” The other answered,

“I thought YOU were watching!”

UNDERTAKER
A guy that was paid very well to speak at a local business dinner rushed out the door so fast he forgot to grab his false teeth. Just before it was time for him to be announced, he turned to one of his table guests sadly and said to him –

“I can’t do this, I forgot my false teeth”.

The guy looks at him and says – “sure you can, let me go nearby to my business and get you a pair. When he returns the speaker tried them

“Too loose” he said.

The man reaches again then says, “I have another pair… try these.”
The speaker tried them and responded,

“Too tight.” “Ok!, the guy says, “I have one more pair… try these.”

The speaker said, “They fit perfectly!”

With that, he gave a thundering speech. After the speech, he went back to his table to eat his dinner and to thank the new-found friend that just saved him. “I want to thank you for coming to may aid, said the dinner speaker… Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”
“Dentist? replies the guy… I’m no Dentist… I’m the undertaker!”

The Paintings

Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings.

One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it.

The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.

Liz walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”

“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.

“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

The Big Sleep

Sue always insisted that her husband Jack take her to the theater once a month, but Jack hated the theater.
“Sue,” he complained, “I would rather stay home and watch the ball game.”


“Is that all you can think about-ball games?” countered Sue.
“Think about me once in a while-cooped up in the house alone all day.”

So they went to the theater that night with friends.
At the end of Act II a loud snoring sound startled them.
Everyone looked and there was Jack sound asleep. Sue turned crimson red with shame.
“How dare he make a spectacle like this! I’ll never live it down.”
“Don’t bother him,” laughed one of the nearby spectators. “He’s the ohly one enaying himself.”

Deer Hunting

A group of guys go deer hunting and separate into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge buck. “Where’s Harry?” asked another hunter.


“He fainted a couple miles up the trail,” Harry’s partner answered. “You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?”
questioned the other hunter.


“It was a tough decision,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one would try to steal Harry.”

A Comfortable Flight

An airliner was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax and. . . OH MY GOODNESS!“. . . .

Silence followed. Then after a few seconds, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier, but while I was talking to you, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it in my lap. He chuckled and said, “You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in coach yelled loudly, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”