12 English Jokes

English Jokes  - İngilizce Şakalar

 

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

 

English Jokes  - 1

 

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.  

 

English Jokes  - 2

 

A blonde was taking money out of an ATM.

The blonde behind her in the line said, "Haa! Haa! Haaaaaa! I've seen your password. It's 4 asterisks (****)."

The first blonde replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! You are so wrong. It's 1258."

English Jokes  - 3

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of 

the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

English Jokes  - 4

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mummy, Mummy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mummy Mummy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mummy?"

"No Honey, Its because you're 24."

English Jokes  - 5

A fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish."

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband", said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic wand and - abracadabra! - two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.

The fairy made a circle with her magic wand and - abracadabra!

Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

English Jokes  - 6

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.

Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could

English Jokes  - 7

 

Teacher: What is a synonym?

Student: A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other!

English Jokes  - 8

 

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.

Student: The future tense is "u will go to jail".

 

English Jokes  - 9

 

Teacher: PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with "I". 

Pappu: I is... 

Teacher: No, PAPPU. Always say, "I am."

Pappu: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

English Jokes  - 10

 

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 

Jack: A teacher.

 

English Jokes  - 11

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says: “I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.”

The second guy says: “Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

 

The third guy says: “Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend.”

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to rest room returned and asked: “What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”

The fourth man replied: “My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

The three friends said: “What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.”

The fourth man replied: “No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?”

 

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